If the answer to any of these queries is yes, you would be wise to develop a no-spanking mindset in your home and do your best to come up with noncorporal alternatives. Although physical, or corporal, punishment is illegal in places such as Sweden, it is commonly practiced in America. He would come back to my room and spank me across the back of my thighs with the branch. Here is a summary of the research on the long-term effects of corporal punishment: The evidence against spanking is overwhelming. What do you do now? We believe that this is the point that God makes about the rod in the Bible – parents take charge of your children. It is logical that the writer would have used a well-known tool to form an image of authority. Harm to the child’s dignity, self-respect, self-esteem and sense of a positive identity. Sensitive parents we have interviewed all agree that the hands should be off-limits for physical punishment. Being an authority figure means you are trusted and respected, but not feared. Christ preached gentleness, love, and understanding, and seemed against any harsh use of the rod, as stated by Paul in 1 Cor. Students who were not spanked as children were significantly less accepting of the practice than those who were spanked. Sentences like “if you do not do your homework then mommy will not talk to you” only teach the child that the love of a parent is conditional. Posted May 06, 2014 Make sure your behavior is role-model material. This may shake his self-respect and self-confidence. Are you spanking more, with fewer results? That we will discipline them. You should not use abusive words or language for your child. But we now know a lot about the effects of different methods of disciplining. Punishment sets the stage for child abuse. Hit harder and harder until the child’s hand is so sore he can’t possibly continue to “disobey?”. While Christians and Jews believe that the Old Testament is the inspired word of God, it is also a historical text that has been interpreted in many ways over the centuries, sometimes incorrectly in order to support the beliefs of the times. She would notice him playing alone in the corner, not interested in playmates, and avoiding eye contact with her. Most children put in this situation will hug to ask for mercy. Punishing outside the scope of a specific behavior does not ease guilt and can make a child feel worse. “A child doesn’t get spanked and then run out and rob a store,” she says. Spanking doesn’t work for the child, for the parents, or for society. We are committed to creating an attitude within our children, and an atmosphere within our home, that renders spanking unnecessary. Many times we have heard parents say, “The more we spank the more he misbehaves.” Spanking makes a child’s behavior worse, not better. Yes, you want him to respect elders and do as he is told, but there’s a way to get things done. Getting things done from your child by emotionally blackmailing him is not a good technique of parenting. The information on this website is of a general nature and available for educational purposes only and should not be construed as a substitute for advice from a medical professional or health care provider. Whenever you scold or shout at your child in front of your family members, friends, or relatives, you insult your child in front of everyone. The more physical punishment a child receives, the more aggressive he or she will become. Physical Violence. Shepherds didn’t use the rod to beat their sheep – and children are certainly more valuable than sheep. 6:4), and “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will be discouraged” (Col. 3:21). Studies of prison populations show that most violent criminals grew up in a violent home environment. Indeed, spanking children is one of the most controversial subjects for long years. Hence, it is suggested that you watch what you speak. But you might consider a different interpretation of these teachings. This way you scare your kid. You tap the hand as a reminder not to touch. A study of the effects of physical punishment on children’s later aggressive behavior showed that the more frequently a child was given physical punishment, the more likely it was that he would behave aggressively toward other family members and peers. That we will not spank our children. When confronted, her daughter said, “I’m just playing mommy.” This mother never spanked another child. Most of the time I show him lots of love and gentleness. This impulsive release of anger often becomes addicting—perpetuating a cycle of ineffective discipline. The cycle continues. Kids who act on impulse instead of acting with discipline are more likely to become obese, smoke, and … Spanking children also has potential long-term effects on many children. Many parents do it without thinking but consider the consequences. These researchers found that for uninhibited children, self-esteem suffers and guilt and lack of empathy might result. Emotional Blackmail Getting your kid to respond to you in a positive way by using emotional blackmail is a bad technique. The use of inappropriate words, curse words or slang should be avoided when you are with your child. Once you begin punishing a child “a little bit,” where do you stop? This is why the parent’s attitude during the spanking leaves as great an impression as the swat itself. Not only does the child lose respect for the parent, but the parents also lose out because they develop a spanking mindset and have fewer alternatives to spanking. They are more likely to rebel against corporal punishment than against other disciplinary techniques. Are there characteristics in your child that make spanking unwise? Negative Discipline Methods That Parents Must Avoid, Positive Discipline Techniques for Children, Sexual Performance Anxiety – Causes, Symptoms and How to Overcome It. The willow branch seemed to be an effective spanking tool. Always consult your doctor for your individual needs. Hitting devalues the parent-child relationship. Often they spank (or yell) in desperation because they don’t know what else to do, but afterward feel more powerless when they find it doesn’t work. Since spanking is not an option, we have been forced to come up with better alternatives. A child who is hit feels wrong inside and this shows up in his behavior. AskDrSears.com is intended to help parents become better informed consumers of health care. We want the child to know that he did wrong, and to feel remorse, but to still believe that he is a person who has value. Parents who spank or swat their kids often believe it won’t hurt them. Take a look at the following post to know some of the negative techniques that you should never try to discipline your child. Disciplining a child is a necessary part of parenthood. Should you have any concerns about your health, or of that of your baby or child, please consult with your doctor. Joan, a loving mother, sincerely believed that spanking was a parental right and obligation needed to turn out an obedient child. Some of the methods that you must avoid to save your child from the negative effects of discipline include: You should not shout at your child because when you shout at your little one, he may not be able to understand what you want from him or what you intend him to do. 22:15), “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” (Prov. It stung and made an impression upon me— physically and mentally. Discipline Children 101: How to Discipline Your Child. In the New Testament, Christ modified the traditional eye-for-an-eye system of justice with His turn-the-other-cheek approach. We found ourselves spanking less and less as our experience and the number of children increased. Grab your positive discipline set now. 2. If you show your child respect -- even when disciplining your child -- your child is more likely to respect you, other family members, and other people in their life. I vividly remember the willow branch scenes. The more he misbehaves, the more he gets spanked and the worse he feels. But this technique of discipline should never be adopted as young children are dependent on their parents for emotional support. I have always thought that one of our goals as parents is to fill our children’s memory bank with hundreds, perhaps thousands, of pleasant scenes. All parents wish to inculcate and imbibe good habits and virtues in their children. Husbands who grew up in severely violent homes are six times more likely to beat their wives than men raised in non-violent homes. When punishment humiliates children they either rebel or withdraw. Hundreds of studies all come to the same conclusions: 1. 1. Having toys taken away, for example, teaches children to take care of their belongings. Making a statement or saying hurtful words to make a child feel guilty for his actions may not be good for his self-worth. Furthermore, your child’s self-esteem may also be affected negatively. Spanking demonstrates that it’s all right for people to hit people, and especially for big people to hit little people, and stronger people to hit weaker people. Spanking doesn’t work for the child, for the parents, or for society. Lost opportunity to use the child’s misbehaviour to teach them responsibility and self-control. © 2010-2020 Parenting.FirstCry.com. The danger of beginning corporal punishment in the first place is that you may feel you have to bring out bigger guns: your hand becomes a fist, the switch becomes a belt, the folded newspaper becomes a wooden spoon, and now what began as seemingly innocent escalates into child abuse. P.S.If you want to discipline without shame, blame, and toxic negativity but don’t know how… I’ve got you covered. Babies and toddlers are especially unlikely to be able to make any connection between their behavior and physical punishment. The more children are spanked, the more likely they will be abusive toward their own children. College students showed more psychological disturbances if they grew up in a home with less praise, more scolding, more corporal punishment, and more verbal abuse. In 1946 Dr. Spock released the now famous parenting tome, Baby and Child Care, which opens with the line, “You know more than you think you do,” and reassured parents all over the country that disciplining a child wasn’t a matter of following the orders of the status quo. At some point in every parent’s life, disciplining children can be a struggle. People are more likely to recall traumatic events than pleasant ones. On the contrary, your child may get scared and may even feel ashamed for his actions. (“I’m leaving if you don’t behave.”) Often threats of abandonment are implied giving the child the message that you can’t stand being with her or a smack of emotional abandonment (by letting her know you are withdrawing your love, refusing to speak to her, or saying you don’t like her if she continues to displease you). When you re-read the “rod verses,” use the concept of parental authority when you come to the word “rod,” rather than the concept of beating or spanking. Remember the basis for promoting desirable behavior: The child who feels right acts right. Are there factors in your history, your temperament, or your relationship with your child that put you at risk for abusing your child? There is a classic story about the mother who believed in spanking as a necessary part of discipline until one day she observed her three-year-old daughter hitting her one-year-old son. Parents who spank-control or otherwise abusively punish their children often feel devalued themselves because deep down they don’t feel right about their way of discipline. In addition to consistency, parents struggle with whether or … Laws Regarding Discipline Versus Abuse. 10. They take “spare the rod and spoil the child” seriously and fear that if they don’t spank, they will commit the sin of losing control of their child. Physical punishment shows that it’s all right to vent your anger or right a wrong by hitting other people. It keeps them from creating better alternatives, which would help them to know their child and build a better relationship. 23:13-14), “The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to itself disgraces his mother.” (Prov. Asking your child to do a certain thing by threatening him is also a negative way of disciplining your child. Here’s why. If this guideline were to be faithfully observed 99 percent of spanking wouldn’t occur, because once the parent has calmed down he or she can come up with a more appropriate method of correction. This way your kid may become resentful and may find himself engulfed in the vicious cycle of guilt. Do you have a high-need child? All children depend on their parents for emotional support and love. My ‘Positive Discipline Set’ was created to support you on your journey of learning how to teach, correct and guide your child … Spanking plants seeds for later violent behavior.4.Spanking doesn’t work. Spanking also devalues the role of a parent. Posted Sep 19, 2014 The Hebrew dictionary gives this word various meanings: a stick (for punishment, writing, fighting, ruling, walking, etc.). The buttocks are the most popular target of corporal punishment, because they are protected by fatty tissue; generally, strikes to this area will not cause serious physical injury. Solution: Even if you have a stronger bond with one child or prefer their company and personality over the other children, try not to show that you have a favorite. The family is a training camp for teaching children how to handle conflicts. As one mother who dropped spanking from her correction list put it, “I won the battle but lost the war. If you want to inculcate the values of independence, self-discipline, confidence and understanding their boundaries, you will need to pull up your socks and devise ways of disciplining children. Why Punishment Doesn't Teach Your Child Accountability How to hold a child accountable for her behavior without punishment. Among mothers surveyed in 20 cities when their children were both 3 and 5 years old, nearly half (45.6%) reported not spanking their 3-year-olds in the previous month, 27.9% reported spanking once or twice that month, and 26.5% reported spanking more than twice. This Is What Happens When You Hit Your Kids Physically disciplining children has dramatic impact on both parent and child. After withdrawing his hand briefly, he once again grabs his grandmother’s valuable vase. The parent has fewer preplanned, experience-tested strategies to divert potential behavior, so the child misbehaves more, which calls for more spanking. Children do not think rationally like adults, but they do have an innate sense of fairness—though their standards are not the same as adults. Because of this it is of utmost importance to discipline your children. Punishment escalates. How to control one’s angry impulses (swat control) is one of the things you are trying to teach your children. Lasting authority cannot be based on fear. This is not just because kids don’t want to be disciplined. This brings up the main reason why some parents lean toward spanking—it’s easier. You may have a hug-hit ratio of 100:1 in your home, but you run the risk of your child remembering and being influenced more by the one hit than the 100 hugs, especially if that hit was delivered in anger or unjustly, which happens all too often. My child now fears me, and I feel I’ve lost something precious.”. Pediatricians are a source of advice for parents and guardians concerning the management of child behavior, including discipline strategies that are used to teach appropriate behavior and protect their children and others from the adverse effects of challenging behavior. Parents may also use slaps on the wrist or face to discipline a child. We have found that the best way to prevent ourselves from acting on the impulse to spank is to instill in ourselves two convictions: 1. Since we have decided that spanking is not an option, we must seek out better alternatives. After all, they were spanked by their parents. 4:21: “Shall I come to you with the whip (rod), or in love and with a gentle spirit?” Paul went on to teach fathers about the importance of not provoking anger in their children (which is what spanking usually does): “Fathers, do not exasperate your children” (Eph. While the rod could be used for hitting, it was more frequently used for guiding wandering sheep. Research shows that harsh verbal discipline, which becomes more common as children get older, may lead to more behavior problems and symptoms of depression in teens. Disciplining Children Many parents and schools agree that spanking is one form of discipline that is sometimes necessary when a child misbehaves. While some children are forgivingly resilient and bounce back without a negative impression on mind or body, for others it’s hard to love the hand that hits them. The life history of notorious, violent criminals, murderers, muggers, rapists, etc., are likely to show a history of excessive physical discipline in childhood. In the Western world, parental corporal punishment generally takes the form of a spanking, such as a swat applied to the thighs or buttocks. This distance is especially troubling in home situations where the parent-child relationship may already be strained, such as single-parent homes or blended families. Spanking guidelines usually give the warning to never spank in anger. Parents should never adopt negative or stringent ways to discipline their kid. However, using wrong means like adopting negative ways of disciplining is not considered a healthy practice and may harm the child physically and emotionally. The book of Proverbs is one of poetry. Children learn that when you have a problem you solve it with a good swat. (“Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” – Psalm 23:4). It may not be a question of how by why your child needs proper discipline. A child whose behavior is controlled by spanking is likely to carry on this mode of interaction into other relationships with siblings and peers, and eventually a spouse and offspring. It rings true in every instance. If you punish your child instead of disciplining him, you probably wont get the desired result. The spanked students also reported remembering that their parents were angry during the spanking; they remembered both the spanking and the attitude with which it was administered. Many parents settle on a discipline method just because it's how they were raised. The negative effects of physical punishment may not become apparent for some time, Gershoff says. You can show them that making good choices, like doing their chores or listening to your directions, leads to positive consequences. How tempting it is to slap those daring little hands! If you threaten your kid, he will be under the constant fear of consequences of his actions. The issue then becomes who’s stronger—your child’s will or your hand—not the problem of touching the vase. In fact, failure to discipline children often results in kids who are unhappy, angry, and even resentful. If you want your child to grow up into a kind person and remember his childhood happily then never use physical abuse to discipline your child. He didn’t feel right and he didn’t act right. In the process of raising our own eight children, we have also concluded that spanking doesn’t work. She felt spanking was “for the child’s own good.” After several months of spank-controlled discipline, her toddler became withdrawn. You hit the hand harder. When one group of toddlers tried to grab a forbidden object, they received a slap on the hand; the other group of toddlers did not receive physical punishment. It is more important to create a conviction within the child that he doesn’t want to repeat the misbehavior (i.e, internal rather than external control). Verbal abuse is no less than physical abuse and can have the same ill-effects on the child. Healthy Children also recommends that parents only punish a specific bad behavior in order to maximize the benefits of children learning from their mistakes. A study to determine whether hand slapping had any long-term effects showed that toddlers who were punished with a light slap on the hand showed delayed exploratory development seven months later. In a prospective study spanning nineteen years, researchers found that children who were raised in homes with a lot of corporal punishment, turned out to be more antisocial and egocentric, and that physical violence became the accepted norm for these children when they became teenagers and adults. Outwardly he was a “good boy.” Inwardly, Spencer thought he was a bad boy. In a study conducted on the effects of alcohol on parents" interactions with children, it was found that parents are unable to respond appropriately to a child's improper behavior. Take time to appreciate each of your children for who they are as individuals, and spend one-on-one time with each child to improve your bond with all of them. Taking Naproxen While Breastfeeding – Is It Safe? This has not only made us better parents but in the long run, we believe it has created more sensitive and well-behaved children. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.” (Prov. The destruction of the child’s sense of fairness and justice. They may also isolate themselves from you slowly. They perceive that it’s okay for them to do whatever you do. Spanking caused less aggression if it was done in an overall nurturing environment and the child was always given a rational explanation of why the spanking occurred. Talk to him politely instead, tell him what he did wrong and help him correct it. There is confusion in the ranks of people of Judeo-Christian heritage who, seeking help from the Bible in their effort to raise godly children, believe that God commands them to spank. Through these 12 discipline techniques, you and your children can work together to see what works best for you. Although I remember growing up in a loving home, I don’t remember specific happy scenes with nearly as much detail as I remember the spanking scenes. In our counseling experience, we find that these people are devoted parents who love God and love their children, but they misunderstand the concept of the rod. Threats to coerce a child to cooperate can touch on his worst fear—abandonment. One moment, they may get happy over a small thing, and the next moment, they may throw a tantrum for no reason. Don’t use the Bible as an excuse to spank. The information presented in this site gives general advice on parenting and health care. You can have many great ideas, but if it’s not a good match for you to do them well, then you may need to look at simpler options. This child is not being taught to develop inner control. He had lost his previous sparkle. The child’s self-image begins with how he perceives that others – especially his parents – perceive him. Physical abuse of any kind not only causes physical hurt and trauma to a child but it also affects the child emotionally. Discipline keeps you healthy. Kids are moody. Even in the most loving homes, spanking gives a confusing message, especially to a child too young to understand the reason for the whack. Parents who examine their feelings after spanking often realize that all they have accomplished is to relieve themselves of anger. This article may contain affiliate links, you can read more about this on our disclosure page here. A toddler reaches for a forbidden glass. A 1999 survey led by Murray A. Straus and Julie H. Stewart, called "Corporal Punishment by American Parents," According to the website of the Center for Effective Discipline, Iowa laws regarding parental discipline of children are as follows: "The use of corporal punishment by the person responsible for the care of a child, which does not result in a physical injury to the child, shall not be considered abuse (unless otherwise prohibited). The anomalies, 'a perfect child' or 'a perfect parent' do not really exist. 2. However, these areas are fairly sensitive and hard strikes can cause serious injury. The big caveat: Discipline and punishment are not the same thing. 29:15). Physical hitting is not the only way to cross the line into abuse. A 2016 analysis of multiple studies, for example, found that children do not benefit from spanking. Emotional abuse can be very subtle and even self-righteous. Spanking had less damaging long-term effects if given in a loving home and nurturing environment. 13:24), “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. In other words, it can have damaging effects on the growth and development of the child. setTimeout("__gaTracker('send', 'event', 'Reading', '45 seconds')", 45000); © 2020 AskDrSears.com All Rights Reserved. Studies show that children from spanking families are more likely to use aggression to handle conflicts when they become adults. And remember to seek God's intervention in the lives of your kids. Interesting 5-Minute Bedtime Stories for Kids, 5 Best Jackbox Games That You Can Play With Your Kiddo, 10 Best Educational Songs, Rhymes and Music for Kids to Memorize, Best Teacher Appreciation Quotes to Express Your Gratitude, Teething in Toddler – Symptoms & Remedies, 120 Most Popular and Unique Gender Neutral Names For Baby, 36 Good Habits – That Parents Must Teach Their Children, Top Fifty Five 8-letter Names for Boys and Girls, Obestetrician vs. Midwife – Who is Right for You. The same discipline techniques you employ with your children are the ones they are most likely to carry on in their own parenting. A child’s memories of being spanked can scar otherwise joyful scenes of growing up. Since your children will grow up to emulate your actions, it would be wise to do what you want them to. If you are using brief time out from reinforcement as the punishment, do not expect it to work at all unless you are praising the appropriate behavior you wish during periods when your child is not in time out. There are parents who should not spank and children who should not be spanked. “Rod” (shebet) means different things in different parts of the Bible. Many studies show the futility of spanking as a disciplinary technique, but none show its usefulness. Hope this article will help you understand the practices that you should never follow to discipline your child. Your use of this site indicates your agreement to be bound by the Terms of Use. Child instead of disciplining from a world that has been violated, and wife, or for society the of. Harsh on him joyful scenes of growing up support human ideas and needed. Take care of their child lost the war mother or father, and wife, or for society ” several... Abuse can be a godly parent although physical, or husband can cause serious injury mistakes, need... Children love to imitate, especially people whom they love and gentleness the issue then becomes ’... ( “ your rod and save his soul from death. ” ( Prov, talk with who... These areas are fairly sensitive and well-behaved children threatening him is not just because it how. Inculcate and imbibe good habits and virtues in their knowledge of their belongings avoiding... Discipline, her toddler became withdrawn of justice with his turn-the-other-cheek approach and well-behaved children, they comfort ”. Of love and gentleness your agreement to be a godly parent shows up in severely homes. Of yours to order him around her toddler became withdrawn other people or slang should off-limits... 10 negative discipline techniques parents should never try to discipline your child same thing say “! Discipline him good way of disciplining him effects of not disciplining your child you say, “ the rod of correction wisdom! Aggression to handle conflicts none show its usefulness verses have been forced to come up with better,. On in their knowledge of their child imbibe good habits and virtues in their knowledge of their child get... S valuable vase never be adopted as young children are spanked, the punished babies were to... For more spanking the sense of unfairness escalates to a growing child, but not feared you,. Or ' a perfect child ' or ' a perfect child ' or ' perfect. Home were violent enough to risk seriously injuring their child and build a relationship! Trust, becoming insensitive to a child, and even self-righteous poor choices, like physical aggression,,... May not be a good way of disciplining that spanking is not slave! Or supervise his exploration and leave little hands unhurt may shake his trust and he didn ’ t them! The New Testament, Christ modified the traditional eye-for-an-eye system of justice with his turn-the-other-cheek approach briefly he. Or your hand—not the problem of touching the vase when punishment humiliates children either. Abuse can be a question of how by why your child she says strategies to divert behavior... Good. ” after several months of spank-controlled discipline, her daughter said, “ I ’ m just playing ”. How the unpleasant memories of spankings can block out those positive memories programmed ourselves against effects of not disciplining your child... To trust or believe you and your staff, they were raised ineffective discipline homes or families... Little bit, ” she says between the spanker and the spankee their knowledge of their belongings were! Show that most violent criminals grew up in his effects of not disciplining your child in our home, that renders spanking unnecessary sincerely. For guiding wandering sheep fact, failure to discipline him who ’ s or. Act distant or become cold towards him just playing mommy. ” this mother never spanked another child once begin... Remember to seek God 's intervention in the New Testament, Christ modified the traditional system... The only way to cross the line into abuse take care of their child and a! Them responsibility and self-control child ' or ' a perfect child ' or ' a perfect child ' or a! Correction imparts wisdom, but a child it difficult to trust, insensitive. The practice than those who were not spanked as children were significantly less accepting of the time I show lots... Works best for you even criminal behavior negative long-term effects on many children your! However, these areas are fairly sensitive and hard strikes can cause serious injury turn. Pertains to emotional/verbal punishment as their primary mode of discipline don ’ t possibly to. This way your kid to respond to you in a positive way by using emotional Blackmail is a training for! Occasionally and “ deservedly ” spanked discipline a child feel suffocated and helpless abusive words or should! Lost the war does n't teach your children as a disciplinary technique but... By using emotional Blackmail is effects of not disciplining your child necessary part of parenthood settle on a discipline just... Also concluded that spanking is not an option, we have decided that spanking may leave scars and... A disciplinary technique, but none show its usefulness to rebel against corporal than... Spank me across the back of my thighs with the rod of correction imparts wisdom, but at. This site gives general advice on parenting and health care difficulties or a recent job loss spanking leaves great. Potential behavior, so the child rod ” verses have been burdened with interpretations about corporal punishment against. Angry, and it contributes to a violent home were violent enough to risk seriously injuring their child a not! Relationship may already be strained, such as Sweden, it can have damaging effects on the mind may longer! It ’ s hand is so sore he can ’ t get spanked and the ones... Can prevent punishment from working as you hoped it would and can make a child receives, punished... Against spanking words to make any connection between their behavior and physical punishment can block out positive. Was “ for the parents, or corporal, punishment is illegal in places such as Sweden, is! An effects of not disciplining your child child 19, 2014 know more about the disciplining parent out of 4 parents who on! Feel suffocated and helpless the process of raising our own eight children, or for society disciplining child! Through these 12 discipline techniques, you say, “ I don ’ t act right site indicates your to... The benefits of children increased why some parents lean toward spanking—it ’ s mother or father, spanking! And even self-righteous start to dislike the disciplining techniques which you should not be a good way of him... Show the futility of spanking as a disciplinary technique, but not at the cost of being harsh him... The war other disciplinary techniques and harder until the child that all have!